Lost but Still Sightseeing
Recently we were talking about the stories of the lost coin, lost sheep, and lost son in my Protestant Women on the Chapel class. Many of us shared stories of being lost in the woods or lost in a foreign country and what it felt like. One woman said she used to get lost all the time in Spain and France when she and her husband were stationed in Germany. She said her husband would be having a panic attack about being lost but she’d say, “Well, we might not see that thing today but look at this other thing we just found.” She said, “We were so lost that I was just gonna sightsee and look around and enjoy it.”
I needed that. This deployment is different and harder than our last one and I’m feeling a little lost. For a lot of reasons. Some of them might be fixable. Others aren’t. I’m not asking for anyone to fix them. I think at this point, maybe I’m so lost I just need to sightsee, look around, and enjoy it. This isn’t where I thought I would be. But it’s not a bad place to be. It’s just not where I had planned. So instead of being so focused on The Plan and The Schedule maybe it’s time to admit that maybe that plan wasn’t even reasonable or maybe that schedule doesn’t allow enough wiggle room. Instead of having the scheduled panic attack I need to just look around and enjoy it.
There are times I want my kids to be older. The Little One is at a hard age. In a week he has learned how to climb out of his crib, open doors with door knob covers on them, and unbuckle his car seat. There are times I’m ready to move onto the next duty station. Because maybe there will be sunshine there. There are times I want this deployment to be over. Now. There are times I want this writing conference to have already happened because then I won’t have to stress about this pitch anymore. Because it will be over. (Not because I’ll have an agent. Please.)
But this is where I am. Maybe it’s not ideal. Maybe I took a wrong turn. I walked right past the Prado but look! Here’s the Reina Sophia. It’s cooler anyway.
The sun came out for five minutes. Let’s go to the park. The clouds are rolling in. Here comes the rain. Run with the wagon. Faster. Until the kids are laughing.
I'd planned on binge-watching TV and instead I'm wild-eyed up all night writing Emily. I don’t see a problem with this. Keep up the good work.
It may not be where I thought I’d be but who knows what I’ll find when I look around and try to enjoy it.